Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
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Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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