Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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