I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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