My Higher Power is John Stamos
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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