You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize