does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
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Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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