And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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