OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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