god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
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We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You don't make any sense
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