Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize