I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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