We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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