My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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