Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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