Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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