I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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