I wanna bring you to show and tell
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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