I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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