my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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