Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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