The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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