I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We got so high we made milksteak
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
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Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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