Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
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My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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