The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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