I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
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