you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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