I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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