Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
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if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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