What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize