The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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