the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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