well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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