wakey wakey hands off snakey
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Green mimosas i think yes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka?
Forever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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