Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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