I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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