right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
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creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize