So gin and wine won't be happening again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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