I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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