i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize