my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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