Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize