Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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