I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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