i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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