The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
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I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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