When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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