but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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