You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
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I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
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Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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