i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
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Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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