The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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